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I had a bit of a meltdown last night, and after my trite little essay, i.e. yesterday’s post, too. Not that it wasn’t sincere, but I did lay it on a bit thick. Very abstract, not enough meat around the bones.

So as the day progressed, the back-pain increased alarmingly, and was directly proportional to how much I worked myself up about my ‘anniversary’ which I only remembered by chance. I went to bed in pain and snotted myself up in a very lucid moment of self-pity. Ag shame, poor me.

This morning, I feel loads better and back on form, especially after reading the lovely comments left for me. Thank you so much!

Last night, I felt extreme resentment at the MS. MS was to blame for, in no particular order: me being in pain. (True), me being poor and having to be supported by my husband (false), me not having children yet (true), me not living a normal life (true, but then again, what is normal?), and most annoying of all, it is responsible for me losing a large degree of independence (very true).

About the ‘poor’ thing. Okay, I do get a pittance of a disability pension, which very barely covers our medical aid (the only thing I pay for). Mind you, it is exorbitant. But, something that few people know about me is that I do work sporadically at home, on a creative project that has earned me absolutely no money to date. (Just call me a tortured artiste, okay? LOL) Plenty of man-hours, no remuneration except personal satisfaction, if that can be counted. The thing is, I could spend more time on it, be much more committed and self-disciplined, and maybe just maybe, the completed project could restore my faith in myself and earn me a bob or two.

Yes, it is the MS’s fault that I can’t pull a regular nine-to-fiver, what with the fatigue and the back-pain, I’d never make it. But I was given a talent that I can use from home, on my own terms and hours. And I should get my ass into gear and make use of what is a golden opportunity and stop buggering around, whinging about my back. Other people are in pain and have to work, I cannot be the only one 🙂

Is has just thrown me a bit, because the pain is worse than it has been in a long time. I’m thinking (well, hoping like mad, actually) that it is temporary. Thing is, it’s been ‘out’ for at least three weeks, and in desperation, on Tuesday night I did a session of Yogalates. Afterwards, it was still sore  but felt more stable. So the next morning when I went gymming, it only took one kick in the pool to click it back in. I think this was precipitated by the yoga. Anyway, it has since been freakishly painful, but in a positive way, if that makes sense, like after a particularly aggressive chiropractic appointment. Not joint pain, as it was prior to the click, but just (unmerciful) muscle pain. Which should mean that if all goes well, and the fecker stays in its socket, I should be feeling better by the weekend.

What else? Oh yeah, the loss of independence. I hate being driven around by other people, when I used to enjoy driving myself around so much. Effectively, I only used my driver’s licence for five short (very sweet) years. Now I’ve totally lost my nerve and with good reason. I can’t feel the pedals, and nearly caused a minor prang on at least two occasions. And really, it’s more than my life is worth to prang Michael’s Jetta! 🙂 Seriously, I’d just keep driving if I did. Head for the coast and start a new life under an assumed name… Just kidding, but I would feel awful.

But. All this was yesterday. Today is today, and I feel much better. In my psyche, at least, which does count for a lot. Today is the day that I stop blaming MS for everything in  my life, and start living up to my potential, which thankfully doesn’t require an EDSS score of under 4 points.

Written by Maggie

October 18, 2007 at 9:11 am

Posted in Uncategorized

4 Responses

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  1. Hi Maggie.

    At last I got a link to your BLOG sometimes, I feel as though it is trespassing if I read it seeing as I am your SIL. But then again, I suppose you won’t mind me sharing your feelings and ups and downs. Even though we don’t get to spend as much time talking as we should, you are always in our hearts and we miss you guys all the time. We share all your lows and your highs. Look after yourself and stay as strong as you are. Mark says to tell you that we love you very much and can’t wait to sit and chat face to face at some stage.
    Love Natalie


    October 18, 2007 at 10:12 am

  2. I have such sympathy with your back pain. The only thing that really helps is bed rest with a hotwater bottle on your back.

    Hope this goes away soon girl.




    October 18, 2007 at 2:16 pm


    20. If you feel the need to whine about the current circumstances of your life, imagine yourself standing on the stage of a college lecture auditorium, in the audience sit all the members of your ancestry extending back all the way in time to the stone age. Father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great grand fathers and mothers and so on and so on. Now, imagine trying to tell them how tough you have it and then try to imagine how hard they would laugh at you for complaining about the air conditioning on your lexus not working or your condo in florida going down in value.

    Of course, some would think that if you have MS, you should get a pass on this. Not me, Mom has MS, Grandma died of it. My aunt and great aunt have it. Each one of them alive today could whoop me silly if I gave them reason.


    October 18, 2007 at 3:19 pm

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